animealexis: (Default)
Well, I always was a little old for my age. I'm making a pact today, that I'm going to pick myself up, stop existing and start living. So my escape from reality is gone. That only means that I have to stand my ground. Keltie Colleen, you will never read this but you are a ridiculous inspiration to me in all my doings, so thank you.

1. Time to get fit. Rugby once a week is not enough to keep off my asthma, I can feel it coming back. Plus, the dogs are getting fat. So long walks and happy endorphins!

2. I am not getting a second job for what's left of the summer. I'll try again once I get to Cardiff - I'll have to, a meal every day and a half or so is not an option this time around - but every rejection I get is spiralling me down further, and this is going too far. So my search is officially over for the moment, unless Mam nags me again one too many times.

3. I'm going to try and cut back on the Internet things. I'm pretty much dependant right now, and it's becoming more real to me than real life. It's an addiction, so I'm pretty sure it's not going to be easy, and I don't think I'd be able to go cold turkey, but I'm cutting back.

4. Going to go out more with friends. I miss JA a ridiculous amount when I don't see her for a couple of weeks, and I really need to try and keep in contact with MC and LMC. I suck as a friend lately. Also, LO, babe, I'mma resort to texting you and using up your valuable credit soon. Seriously, codependant.

5. And probably most important - it's time to stop beating up on myself. I am an awesome person - maybe not the prettiest or the cleverest or the funniest, but I am freaking kind and smart and goddamnit, I can be interesting if I put my mind to it. So this is me, getting over my self esteem issues. Probably to the extent that I will soon be an annoying boaster, but I have faith in the people around me to kick me back down to Earth if I need it. I need to love myself the way I love other people. Maybe not quite one of the Ten Commandments, but I reckon getting to the point where I don't care whether I live or die is probably far worse than having a good view of myself.

This is not me caving on my personality and my morals. I'm not going to get myself out of this by succumbing to things that I don't believe in. I am not Ryan Ross, going from straightedge to coke. I'm ready to stop second guessing myself now.

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animealexis

August 2009

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